The joke thread

[Turpro]

Have a joke? Share it here. Lets have some fun I'll start.





A japanese girl was having sex & accidently farted, she said "0h me so sorry, you make front hole so happy back hole blow u a kiss!

[MATT91GT]

did you hear the one about the 74 year old porn star?

http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1815509,00.html?cnn=yes

[edumspeed]

There was a gay walking on the street scratching it's butt and another guy yelled at him "hey, give it some water!" and the other yelled back "it's not thirst, it's hunger, mofo!"

[theredrocket]

Super man is out flying above the ocean and he sees an island. As he's cruising over it, he spots wonder woman lying on the sand, butt naked, spread eagle position. He figures to himself that he could fly down there, ram her, and be out before she even knew what hit her. So he rips down, bang, bang, bang, and he's gone before she even has time to open here eyes.
Startled, wonder woman looks up and says, "what was that?!"
"I dunno" says invisible man, "but my butthole sure hurts!

[MD323]

There was a gay walking on the street scratching it's butt and another guy yelled at him "hey, give it some water!" and the other yelled back "it's not thirst, it's hunger, mofo!"

wat.

[Squeekster1]

So there were 3 women stranded on an island 30 miles from civilization. A Redhead, Brunette, and a Blond. The redhead swims out about 5 miles and decides she can't make it and swims back. The Brunette goes 10 miles but can't make it and returns to the island. The blonde swims 20 miles figures shes too tired to continue on, then turns and swims back to the island.

[edumspeed]

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno.

I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no
idea'r what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old
blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son

'Boy................ ..go git cha Momma..............

[wheresthericego]

How do you get 4 fags to sit on a barstool?

Flip it upside down...

[edumspeed]

An average man was approached by a homeless man and asked for $10 for something to eat. The man asked "will you use it to buy beer instead of food"? "No", the homeless man replied. "I quit drinking years ago". "Will you use it to gamble?" The homeless man replies with a simple "No, I gave up gambling when I quit drinking". "Will you use it to buy sex from a hooker?" "No; What kind of disease do you think I will get from a $10 hooker?" The man had one final question - "Will you use it for greens fees at a golf course?" The homeless man replies, "I haven't played golf in years." The man takes a minute to think. "You just come home with me and I'll get my wife to cook you something to eat." "Won't she be mad? I am filthy and smell awful." "I know" the man says with a smile. "I want my wife to see what a man looks like that has given up drinking, gambling, sex, and golf."

[13thghost]

what does a blonde and a screen door have in common?
they both get looser the more you bang them.lol

[Empire932]

this isnt mine(obviusly) but thought it was pretty funny

Title:skinny dippers and a smart old man

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[Empire932]

This one was the best one i read all night

Painful Breakup
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

[MATT91GT]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.

The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

[wheresthericego]

Whats the opposite of progress?



Congress...

The less laws they're making the better off we are.

[noisy_cricket94]

a man walks into a bar and immediately notices 2 very odd things. the first is a horse serving the drinks, and the second is a pickel jar full of $10 bills. he sits down and orders a drink from the unusual bartender. after a few minutes, he asks the patron next to him; "excuse me, but is that jar of $10 bills a tip jar?" the patron replies, "no. it's an ongoing contest. you put ten bucks into the jar, and if you can make the horse laugh, you keep all of it." upon hearing that, the man stood up confidently and slapped a ten into the jar and ushered the horse over. he whispered into the horses ear for only a second or two before the horse started laughing hysterically. the man collected his winnings and left. after about a month of being away on business, the man returns to that same bar and notices the same horse serving the drinks, and the jar. only this time the jar was filled with $20 bills. he notices the same patron as before sitting at the bar and asks him, "are people still trying to make the horse laugh?" the patron replies, "no, this time you have to make the horse cry" the man slaps a 20 into the jar and motions the horse to follow him into the bathroom. a minute or two later the horse walks out crying his eyes out. as the man is collecting his winnings, the patron asks him, "how did you do it? how did you make the horse laugh and cry. nobody has ever done it before." the man calmy replied, " the first time, i told him i was hung bigger than he was, this time i showed him."