The joke thread

[wheresthericego]

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says "Ham sandwiches $3, Hand Jobs $10." The hot female bartender comes out and he ask her if she's the one giving the hand jobs for $10. She happily replies "yes". The man then says wash your hands and make me a ham sandwich

[noisy_cricket94]

a brit, a german, and an irishman walk into a bar, they all order a glass of beer, the waitress brings them their drinks.
the brit notices a fly in his drink, and asks the waitress if she could bring him another one.
the german notices a fly in his drink as well. he picks out the fly, throws it on the ground, and begins to drink his beer.
the irishman notices a fly in his drink too. he picks out the fly, and starts shaking it violently screaming, "spit it out you greedy bastard!!"

[noisy_cricket94]

3 guys are hitchhiking across the country. they decide to squat in a farmers barn and sleep for the night. the next morning when they wake up, the guy on the right says, " i had this incredible dream that this beautiful woman was giving me a handjob." the guy on the left says, " what a coincidence, i had a dream that a hot chick was giving me a handjob too." then the guy in the middle sits up and says, " i wish i had a dream like that, all i dreamt about was skiing."

[Turpro]

A guy walks into his house with a duck under his arm and says "here's that pig I was talking about". His wife looks up and says "that's not a pig you dumbass". He says "I was talking to the duck"




A blonde was driving down the road and notice another blonde in the middle of a field in a row boat. The blonde stops and looks closer and sees the other blonde rowing like crazy. Dirt and **** was flying all around. The blonde screams out to the other 1 "ITS BLONDES LIKE YOU THE GIVE BLONDES LIKE ME A BAD NAME. I'M GOING TO SWIM OUT THERE AND BEAT YOUR ASS".

[Turpro]

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

She has to chew before swallowing.



3 catholic priests are in there office in their all boys catholic school and found out the school was on fire.

Priest 1 "we need to get the boys out of here"

Priest2 "**** those boys"

Priest 3 "you think we have time?"



Why do truck drivers like fat girls?

When they bend over it looks like a 5th wheel.

[Empire932]

this one made me laugh a little

Friendship among Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her
husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his
wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that
he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10
best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[cojsl]

What do Grateful Dead/Phish fans say when they run out of drugs?




"This music sucks!"

[Turpro]

A man walks in to an ice cream parlor with his son. They're standing in line looking at the the menu and the guy smacks the kid on the back of the head "order fat head". The lady behind the counter goes "exscuse me but why did you call him a fat head?". The guy says "well lady there's 3 things a guy wants in life. 1 is a nice ride. You see that cadilac outside? That's mine. 2nd is a nice big house. You see that house on the top of the hill at the edge of town? That's mine. 3rd is a nice tight pussy. I had that till fathead came out"

[jumpncrash]

Q: why do brides wear white?

A: Its always nice when teh dishwasher matches teh fridge and stove.

Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow?

A: Give the bitch a shovel.

Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?

A: They both wriggle when you eat them.

[Turpro]

Found this posted on another forum and LOL'd

A young boy went up to his father and asked him,

'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt
for a million dollars?'*

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would
buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically' ?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million
dollars . But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.'

[SKAR]

/\ I was about to post that


A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours. ' The guy left

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked , How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .' The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!

[Turpro]

^^^

[jumpncrash]

that's awesome

[90prtege]

A young guy from Minnesota moved to Florida and goes to a
big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota ."
So the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow, I'll come after we close and see how you did."
His first day on=2 0the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers
a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says "$101,237.65"

The boss says "$101,237.65 What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook.

Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then a new fishing rod."

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I
took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fishhook,
and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing........."

[Hybrid Liger]

A guy runs out of gas on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere.

Walking for a few hours, he finds a small town.

The town is strange because there's no women. Only sheep.

He asks a few townsmen about it, and they confirm his suspicions. This town is full of only men and no women, so they have to screw sheep.

The man, disgusted, makes a call to a tow truck on his dying cellphone, and the trucker says it'll take a couple weeks so he should stay put.

After about nine days, he can't control his urges anymore. as disgusting as it may seem, he needs to get laid now.

So later that night, he goes out to the pasture where all the sheep are at, picks the cutest looking one, and ****s the hell out of her.

The next morning, he walks in to the bar with his new 'girlfriend'.

All the townsmen look at him with either glares or looks of shock and worry.

He then says "WHAT?! YOU ALL **** SHEEP! WHATS THE PROBLEM NOW?!"

then one of the townsmen says: "...That's the Sherriff's gal..."