The joke thread

[SgtRauksauff]

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, 'What a peaceful & loving couple.' The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.



The husband replied: 'Well, it dates back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona , and we took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' 'We proceeded a little further and her horse stumbled again.. Again my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time my wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.



I SHOUTED at her, 'What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you $%#@! crazy?' She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.'



And from that moment on.... We have lived happily ever after.

[SgtRauksauff]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat,
and one says to the other, "I hear that the people
in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, *
*"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk
towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to
oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then staring at it for a moment, leans
to the other Nun and in a soft brogue whispers...... *

*"What part did you get?"

[SgtRauksauff]

SCOTTISH COMPASSION


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".


She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

[SgtRauksauff]

Moe, a tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, Moe the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[goldstar]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't, breathed the bartender ... "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender just barely managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Happy Motoring!

[goldstar]

Good Pub

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in me favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see you gets laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

Happy Motoring!

[norwood1026]

I went to a couple of car dealerships last week, and the first one I stopped at was Kia, well nothing caught my eye, but the price was right, then I went to a Chevy dealer, again nothing really caught my eye, but I looked anyway, then I go to the Mazda dealer, well I see one that I like, the dealer does the once over with me, then he pops the trunk, disapointed, I looked at the dealer and said, "Well, Theres something missing" the dealer ,puzzled asks "What"? I said "at the Chevy dealership I checked out, they had a new pair of shoes in the trunk of every car"! Smiling the dealer says "Thats so they can walk home"!

[me109]

Two research chemists went to lunch at the local diner. The waitress asked them what they wanted to drink. She was cute, so the first chemist decided to try some light flirting awkward dad style.

"I'll have some H₂O, please." he said, drawing attention to his scientist ID badge.

She rolled her eyes and smiled, then turned to the second chemist and asked what he wanted to drink.

The second chemist was still deep in thought about his project back at work though. He realized someone was talking to him and distractedly answered "I'll have some H₂O too.".

He died.